It’s about bloody time, I suppose. I’ve been getting so down and frustrated over the past month or two and have kept pretty quiet about my progress but I thought its the right time to chat it out.
So, the last time I updated anything on here about what I was getting up to was where I explained how I was getting help. I was having someone help me nutritionally, physically in the gym and having her teach me the importance of all round good health and mindfulness. Looking at my body as a flower. I’m still getting help from her but from a distance. We finished our time together but keep in regular contact and she has left me in a position where I feel comfortable enough with what I’ve learnt. I intend to reconnect and continue having sessions but for now, having a break is what I needed. It’s been 3 weeks since our last session and I really needed this time for myself and I’ll tell you why…
I was taking in so much information, important information but to then put it into practice was the biggest challenge. I had to really push myself to eat 3 times a day as well as having to remember to have the high energy foods before we worked out. It felt like a chore. I ended up hating food and getting so depressed. It would then turn into feeling low about how I looked and I kept highlighting all the things I was doing wrong that in the end I was barely eating and ignored the importance of drinking.
Now, we all know, or should know by now, that not eating is just adding fuel to the fire. To lose weight and keep healthy you have to eat and eat regularly. As if that wasn’t a hurdle enough I was also having to stay away from the foods I loved and that were ‘easy’ for me to eat, but again, for good reason. I now live a gluten free, wheat free, dairy free diet and this is based on my health history. Eating any of those foods would increase inflammation and cause the awful bloating and even set off my stomach problems. Therefore avoiding those foods was my best option but was only one of the ways to help my situation.
Another big challenge for me was my anxiety. Every time I knew I had to get ready to meet Sophie at the gym I’d get anxiety. Every time I get anxiety, I struggle to eat but I knew I had to because I’d rely on that energy to get me through the next hour she had in store for me. When I did force myself to eat, I’d then feel even worse and I’d get to the gym to work out but it was never as productive as I’d have liked, due to how I was feeling. Sophie has been so understanding at those times and we’d always take it easy, she’d figure out one way or another to make sure I’d leave the gym feeling positive, this normally would be by doing things that would work on my core and delicate ways to strengthen my back. For people reading this because they have stomach issues too, or anyone really, yoga will be your best friend!
Deep down I knew that the only way I’d really see the results I wanted was through cardio. Anyone who has similar problems to me, knows that tackling cardio with a tender stomach is just so incredibly painful. However, sometimes there is just no way around it, you just have to accept that that was how you’re feeling that day. It wasn’t always, although, most of the time my stomach would get in the way and it became so disheartening.
Whilst my stomach flare ups aren’t as frequent as they were and no where near as bad, I still have the odd one but every month I’m guaranteed a battle with my hormones and thats a right bastard! I’m not going to go into much detail and this isn’t me trying to post my sob story but I think it’s worth mention.
Changing your lifestyle and training your body to enjoy proper nutrition really does throw a spanner in the works but for, again, good reason. Although you’re doing something so valuable and it will be beneficial long term, in the short term you have to battle that detox stage, so your hormones are all up in the air. I really do feel like I should commend Andrew for putting up with me because every single month I was questioning everything. From how I looked, to my existence. It got pretty dark. I doubt this would be most peoples reaction if they chose to change their lifestyle but with everything I’ve been dealing with I can’t really say I’m surprised. I’m really not trying to make this as if I’m the only person on this planet that has experienced this, I just want to be as honest about my experience as possible. I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy ride but it was a ride I knew I had to get on.
With having these 3 weeks to take it easy I’ve found a new love for food and my nutrition is at its all time best. Yes Grace! I’ve had little to no problems and I’m so happy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still at the back end of detoxing. My period still throws up its charming gifts and even my skin had and still has been suffering but I’m better than I’ve ever been. Believe it or not, those symptoms, bar the tragic periods that will adjust in time, are good signs. Having bad skin isn’t fun but detoxing through the skin is apparently a luxury. Everyone detoxes differently, some people even do it through their organs and can create minor, short term problems. Bad skin is alright for me, I’ll live!
Having my nutrition on my side now gives me the opportunity to work with Sophie again and to tackle cardio. Although my anxiety still isn’t great, I’ve been rowing at home with a resistant machine I’ve borrowed and have been getting on pretty well. Being able to be in control at home and having the rowing machine has been fantastic. I can push myself as little or as much as I want and not feel like I’m letting anyone down. I know I wasn’t letting Sophie down, but knowing that I’d turn up to a session and it was cardio day and I wasn’t on top form made me feel failure. With rowing at home I know that I can stop if I’m feeling tender and not feel embarrassed. I can wake up and choose not to do it but later in the day if I’m feeling better I could then bash it out for 10 before bed. I’d like to think that next month I could get back into the gym and plan a routine where I can get on with it whilst feeling confident. The gym has been like a second home to me the last few months and being able to go back there and work by myself will be a challenge but I’d love to tackle it.
In all honesty, this lifestyle change has really made me look at my life in a completely different light and it really has been the best step I could have taken! However, for the amount of years I have had stomach issues and poor mental health I shouldn’t have expected to get fixed within the time frame we were given, but thats ok. I have gotten this far and whilst I may not look in the mirror and be happy with what I see back, I am happy with what I’ve achieved. I am proud and so grateful to be out the other side and although. I have only reached that state of mind a few days ago but loving my body and realising it is the best gift we can possibly be given, how can you not want to look after it?
I’d like to briefly end on mentioning that I would never have known what I now know if it wasn’t for Sophie’s help. She been my cheerleader in and out of the gym and the knowledge she has passed on to me will be truly nurtured. I have my own little routine now and feel positively set up. Yes I know I’ll have my down days, as do all of us but being mindful and finding that love for myself that was buried deep, deep, deep, deep down was worth the wait. It’s about feeling good on the inside and out.
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