First of all, happy new year! I really hope you have all had a super Christmas (to those who celebrate it) and have also had a fab start to a new year!
I brought the new year in with having my boyfriend wash my hair over the bath and then watched a very shitty film called The Gift. Don’t do it people, its an awful film and should be locked away so nobody knows of it’s existence. Truly terrible.
Whats even more, truly terrible, is my health. Possibly a slight exaggeration there but I’m going to roll with it.
Most of you might have embraced the holiday season but I in fact loathed it. I love Christmas and actually prefer it to birthdays as it’s more of a community thing but trying to enjoy the festivities whilst dealing with stomach issues is possibly the worst. No over indulging with food, doing most Christmas shopping online (which was actually quite alright with me), no iceskating, no Winter Wonderland in London, no after christmas sales trolling, but they’re probably best to avoid anyway.
I just had a bit of a shitty time. Being so sore to the point where it hurts to move, eat and do activities is a very shitty place to be, it becomes beyond tedious. I did however, attempt Cambridge with my better half, it took over an hour to get up there and we were only there for about two hours and then came home. It was really unfortunate. Looking forward to having time off and spending it well, by planning stuff but then having everything sabotaged by your own body is really heartbreaking. Is it sad to say I was chuffed I lasted 2 hours? Not being able to stay a bit longer and enjoy some dinner was yet again, shitty. If you also weren’t aware, I struggle eating in public. My stomach issues have created psychological problems where if food is involved, activities and being away from home it can make me feel on edge, not safe and uncomfortable. When all I want to be is a blast in a glass.
I found writing about what I go through with my health on the daily is a big thing and something that has helped me a great deal. I also always promote writing things down, I think we live in a day and age now where stuff is blasted through our computers and onto the internet and it’s like some of us have forgotten what a pen and paper is. Although blogging can be exactly that, very ‘online,’ this year I have continued my tradition and bought myself a couple of notebooks. Although blogging is more put together and in my eyes ‘professional looking’ I also like to jot things down, blurt out my frustrations onto paper and use it as a creative outlet and a place to make absolute nonsense. If you don’t already do this, maybe give it a go this year and see if it’s a form of therapy that works for you.
If you, yet again, aren’t already aware, there’re ongoing posts or ‘updates’ throughout my blog about my health. At times it can be a rolling theme as I often like blogging in a personal manner and fill you in on every detail, almost like a diary. That’s what I enjoy reading from other people and that’s what I’m openly ok to share with you on here, if thats what you enjoy reading too. However, it’s 2016 and I’m going to be 24 this year. To some that’s young but for me, having personal goals unfulfilled makes me feel like I’ve gotten nowhere and a lot of it is down to my health. Although writing has helped me cope it’s very clear that it won’t fix me. I’m trying not to be negative, but right now I’m going to lay it all down.
2015 was the year I’ve held down a first proper job. Ok, it’s with my dad so see it as a cop out if you wish but last year I think he really understood and saw how much I was struggling to find something that was stable, sufficient, a place that was understanding and supported my needs. I tried jobs with various companies and although I’m a very personably person and I’m well received, it always ended up going to shit and that’s due to my body. Without going into too much detail, my stomach issues are difficult to manage most if not all the time and can bring on other nasty problems such as the depressive usuals. Lack of motivation, fatigue, poor immune system, poor mobility, an overall depressive state. Fabulous.
If anyone has gone through any form of depression you’ll really relate with me here but others may not have a great understanding and might see it as, you’re feeling sad and you’ll get over it in a few days. On top of everything I’ve experienced with my stomach, mentally dealing with depression on the side has been horrible. To the point where experiencing stomach flare ups on the regular just wasn’t an option anymore and I wanted to sack it all in. This wasn’t a, I’ve been dealing with stomach problems for a year and a half now, cant be bothered with this anymore, where’s the local cliff. It was more, I’ve been dealing with this on and off for over 10 years and I’m getting absolutely nowhere, I’m tired and don’t want to do this anymore. Its a very dark place be and wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. However, if I were to ever write a post that to me would be a somewhat of milestone in content. This would be it.
At the end of last year I decided to go private for a consultation with one of the top gastroenterologists in the South. On the NHS I saw him briefly for about 20 seconds as the gastroenterologist I was there requested his opinion. Obviously at the time he wasn’t the one who was fully examining me but insisted I try a certain drug. Long story short, the drug didn’t work out and I have now, for a stomach condition, tried all drugs that are known to mark improvements. I feel in a great position to go private and pay to have this consultation, I need this properly looked into.
Now into the new year, my consultation has been booked and I’m over the moon. I have been questioned, why don’t you go through the NHS and save your money? I don’t have a big and lengthly explanation for that, just that I can’t afford to be lumbered with someone who may not give a shit. I’m also too impatient to wait over a month for a consultation to be put in place and then for further possibly test to be booked… before you know it, it’ll be May and I might have some answers.
Luckily, I have enough put to one side for this consultation. Paying to see someone for a 30 minute consultation, who is somewhat renowned for fixing people, in my opinion is a great way to spend 200 quid. I have trust and faith this will work out and this will be a great place to start and I can’t wait to get things going.
This year is about getting myself on the road to some answers and having a routine that makes me feel like I’m living a normal life. I hope this will include having a higher self esteem, a social life that is valuable to me and making sure I’m looking forward to the future rather than fearing it.
Both notebooks £4.99 from Homesense.