I thought I’d take this post a little differently than I had envisioned. I do want to draw focus onto the fact that ya girl got engaged but also, how much of a struggle the majority of 2017 was.
After the move in October 2016, things went downhill. From getting ourselves settled into a new environment, to having to pack all our stuff and move back down to Tunbridge Wells, a year later. It was far from ideal. Keeping it brief, it wasn’t pleasant and the intention of working on mine and my Dads tarnished relationship became far from a priority, considering that it takes two to make a relationship work.
I would always happily bend over backwards for my Dad but the sad reality of it all, is that he knew that. Whenever he was stuck or needed help in any way, I was the one he’d lean on to find the answer. I didn’t mind, as I’m a renowned people pleaser but it didn’t help that the majority of my time was spent feeling ignored. It really pains me to say it but I felt more like a disliked coworker than a daughter, that was working so hard to bring structure into a company and action things when needed. This was often not on his priority list which therefore ended up landing on my desk, becoming my responsibility. I’ve never begrudged a heavy work load as I thrive on a challenge but presenting me with tasks that were clearly beyond manageable, especially for one person, I felt belittled. It didn’t help that on the rarest of occasions that I was able to achieve said task, amongst current priorities I was tackling, gratitude was barely given, if at all.
There were so many hats I had to wear, constantly trying to put things in order where needed but my lack of knowledge made it difficult to pull results. I was always determined to make sure he didn’t have to worry, stress or get angry. It was a hat I had to wear to keep my Dads well being in a good place, however he thrived off having a lot of things to do, always last minute and without a doubt unachievable to the average person. He made it happen none the less and you could say, he lived his life as if he was invincible and that everyone should follow suit, hence his lack of compassion with my condition. As much as I put myself in a position to prevent these occurrences, I was set up to fail. He continued to follow an unnecessary, unhealthy, work driven lifestyle which did him no favours. He would work through his notorious back pain, his continuous cough and when he was downtrodden with the flu, he might have considered taking an afternoon off but that was it. Anybody who offered him medical advice was quickly dismissed. I happily took on everything and anything as much as I could, to ensure his wellbeing but sooner or later he would be back at it again but that was his call to make, not mine. Naive, as I was, I didn’t think that our relationship would suffer as much as it did when my intentions were only ever in his best interest.
Now enter the classic dangling of the carrot reference.
It’s not in my nature to work hard or help someone for the sole purpose of receiving something in return. As a said people pleaser, I like to help and see people happy and watch goals achieved but I’m still learning that some people can pull on those traits, knowingly. On this clear occasion, I had uplifted my whole life and brought Andrew along for the ride, to work full time and frequent evenings for a better shot at working life. I think we can all agree that for a while now things haven’t been cheap in this climate and our aim was to save as much as we could to have some sort of head start in our mid twenties. However, the things that Andrew and I were promised, never happened and I lived a year working, not only long hours but working my body into an absolute state, just to prove myself and work towards something that was promised. It’s quite soul destroying really, that he isn’t here anymore and I’m still experiencing him dangling the carrot. Although I suppose that was my error in judgement, where trusting people I never should has lead me to such a bad place but that’s for a later post.
Moving on, I would say that our holiday that we had booked, way in advance, was the only thing that was getting us through 2017 or up until September.
When September finally appeared, it was time to put my big girl pants on and walk away from the office for 10 days. It was difficult, especially being the neat freak and highly organised person that I am, being able to trust that protocols I had put in place would continue until I got back, was a big risk and rather unlikely. I took on a lot of responsibility (as you’ve probably worked out by now) and got the office into good place, that the idea of it going on it’s head in the space of 10 days wasn’t only highly possible but was like hearing nails on a chalkboard.
Before our holiday, my Dad did the classic last minute gesture and arranged lounge access for us at Gatwick. I was taken aback as we had just been through a rough couple of months bickering but it was nice to feel as if this could be a turning point or the end to this bad patch. It made me feel a little more at ease too, about coming back into the office and not relying on another event to get me through. The lounge gesture didn’t really work out. We only managed around 15 minutes there due to such an early flight and most of my time there was spent going back and forth from the fancy toilets trying to hold myself together as flying, wasn’t my thing.
I will always remember this holiday, despite the fact that our resort was a bit of a dive. Andrew and I had been together for 4 years and hadn’t been abroad together, so not only was that exciting and different for us, it was a chance to do absolutely nothing and enjoy the sunshine. We normally, either don’t tend to go away or find somewhere relatively cheap in Cornwall for a week and give little Luna a break too, all together. This year, this one was for us and it really was considering I came back with a ring on my finger!
My intentions weren’t to shroud this post with how incredibly crap 2017 turned out to be but in order to move on, I have to be honest. It was just a shame that our engagement fell in between it all and got consumed by the surrounding negativity. I will however say this, our engagement video alone outweighs the unpleasant moments where at times we found ourselves and our holiday to Fuerteventura will always be thought of very fondly. It was certainly worth the wait.
I really hope you enjoy the video as much as we did making it. Also, don’t mind the cringe photos I’ve chosen to include, they were the best ones I could source!
See you on Sunday.